soda_raison (soda_raison) wrote in anticutting,

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Are you sure?

I've been reading a lot of the posts in this community.

I don't understand.

Maybe it's because I never went to a high school where this was trendy or maybe it's because I never even knew another 'cutter'. Yep, I used to do it but who cares about that story. I was an idiot and now I have scars for the rest of my life but, I did something that is supposed to be odd. When I was in college I was still cutting myself, now i know it's a stupid way to behave but back then I seriously thought there was nothing wrong with it. I knew most people didn't do it but I couldn't tell the difference between my slicing my arms and legs up and someone eh, even lighting up a cigarette, driving too fast or drinking. I thought I had no reason to be ashamed since most people don't find shame in a lot of idiot things they do so I stopped hiding it. I stopped caring what people thought of me.

Now, I know that wasn't for attention because I never got any attention for it. I was 18, away from home, I had no college friends and no one attending my lectures was going to say anything. I was just sick of caring what people thought. I was so sick of caring what people thought that I was going to wear a t-shirt if I felt like it and stop hiding. Wait, there was this one guy who asked me if it was real but I didn't understand why he asked his question, as if someone would make up their arm like that with hollywood make up and laughed at him.

Well, back then I didn't realise people do this to be 'cool' and maybe it is just a high school thing when it becomes an attention act because after the age of 18 no one can do anything. I started seeing a psycho doctor a few years later. He couldn't commit me for it and when I abruptly quit 'treatment' neither him nor my therapist who I quit seeing as well could do anything when a known 'cutter' was on the loose.

So, are you really sure that every single 'real cutter' is going to do everything in their power to hide it?

I chose to stop being ashamed of it and eventually chose to stop doing it but never am I wearing a t-shirt to make people feel sorry for me. I just can't be bothered to let someone make me feel ashamed for something I was doing.

I'm really having trouble believing that people do this for an image but, the idiot trends don't suprise me much anymore. I never thought that the depth or the amount of cuts mattered though. For the first year I did it, I never even thought of using anything other than a thumb tack. It wasn't until later I found out that exacto knives might just be what I was looking for. I wish I hadn't well no shit eh. But, how the hell can anyone tell the difference between a 'real cutter' and someone who's doing it to be 'cool'. Fuck, if I could have told someone right away when I started I would have and probably would have. Hell, I know when I first did it I was confused and needed the attention I would have got had I acted like these kids you guys make fun of. I don't get it. Perhaps I'm too out of touch with today.

Cutting sucks.
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